Life with an Abuser
Facades
Gaslighting
Gaslighting
The first thing you’ll notice about an abused woman is how happy she and her partner and children present in public. They may be highly charismatic people: warm, extroverted and exceedingly friendly, even the abuser himself. For a time, you might see nothing at all, until you are afforded (through friendship or some closer connection) a
The first thing you’ll notice about an abused woman is how happy she and her partner and children present in public. They may be highly charismatic people: warm, extroverted and exceedingly friendly, even the abuser himself. For a time, you might see nothing at all, until you are afforded (through friendship or some closer connection) a more intimate view of the family’s life. Abuse can be hidden for a time, but only superficially. Like alcoholics and drug-addicts, victims (and their abusers) cannot maintain a facade of normalcy for very long. Despite this fact, abused women can and will (for varying lengths of time) persist in desperately defending their abusers. Their list of excuses can be endless; their shows of allegiance even sickening at times. They will throw friends and family members under the bus, but it must always be remembered that they do so because they are trapped, because their abusers have demanded these Oscar-winning shows of loyalty (performed at great cost to victims, their relationships and their sense of integrity), and that deep-down, such victims know that the outsiders they so dramatically reject are really trying to help them. It can take women years to leave such abusers; their reasons for staying as many and complex as any other partner’s though further complicated by the effects of gaslighting, coercive control, physical abuse and other tactics which keep them mired in the abuse. I myself attempted to maintain such a façade for years, even though life with my partner was absolute misery. In doing so, I hope to engender understanding for other women trapped in similar situations.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting
Gaslighting
After leaving my husband, I attended both individual counseling as well as group counseling. During this time, the word gaslighting came up in many conversations. I was given pamphlets which described this phenomenon as a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser tries to sow doubt and confusion in the mind of the abused. A
After leaving my husband, I attended both individual counseling as well as group counseling. During this time, the word gaslighting came up in many conversations. I was given pamphlets which described this phenomenon as a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser tries to sow doubt and confusion in the mind of the abused. Although this is an accurate definition, the lights really came on the day I read an article which described gaslighting as an abuser’s ‘alternative narrative of reality.’
Finally, I had a word to define the most insidious of my husband’s abuses! The narratives he’d repeat day after day; year after year, till I thought I’d go crazy with the madness they elicited; the desire to go before God as our judge.
Three grand narratives dominated my life for the entire thirteen years I spent with my husband Mike: 1)The evilness of my family 2)My general sluttiness, and 3)The demand that I demonstrate this sluttiness in the real world before he’d ever allow me to work in the sex trade which (according to him) was a ‘privilege’ though in actuality, I had no choice at all.
Although the alternative narratives experienced by other abused women will differ in detail from mine, the underlying qualities of each experience remain the same.
What are your own examples of gaslighting? The more examples we can gather, the more able we’ll be to identify this insidious tactic in real time!
Coercive Control
Gaslighting
Coercive Control
The womensaid.org.uk defines coercive control as a ‘pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten their victim. This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and
The womensaid.org.uk defines coercive control as a ‘pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten their victim. This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour.”
In the U.K. and Australia, coercive control is outlawed and punishable by up to five years in prison. In my native Canada, anti-coercive control laws are relatively new and will take some time to implement.
The ways and tools with which an abuser wields coercive control are endless and varied; his creativity quite astounding. What are some of your own examples?
Pimping
Inertia
Coercive Control
The power and Control Wheel was created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth MN. It is divided into eight sections.
Link to image of Abuse Wheel
Under ‘using coercion and threats’ are the words: 'making her do illegal things.’
While prostitution is not illegal in many countries, the statement could be made with a fair de
The power and Control Wheel was created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth MN. It is divided into eight sections.
Link to image of Abuse Wheel
Under ‘using coercion and threats’ are the words: 'making her do illegal things.’
While prostitution is not illegal in many countries, the statement could be made with a fair degree of accuracy that most women do not want to have sex with strangers, whether there is an exchange of resources or not. As abuse often coincides with an abuser’s substance use and the need to support his addictions, intimate partner abuse often intersects with prostitution as a means to supply the abuser with more drugs, money and control.
Additionally (as in the case with my husband), the abuser may have paraphelias which drive him to force his partner into unwanted sex with strangers. Whether he is pimping her for money or for his own perverse gratification, the issue remains the same: that of power and coercive control.
I chose the Gervex painting (above) to represent the prostituted woman. All too often, prostitution is seen as chosen path; a fall from grace, a sin committed by victims rather than a crime perpetrated by pimps who are so often the abusive partners of such prostitutes. We might recognize the Romeo wolf who seduces and lures away the fifteen-year-old but remain loathe to view a married woman of twenty-five or older as the same sort of victim. The latter could leave. The latter could get away.
Except that quite often, she can’t.
For all the reasons which regular wives/partners find it difficult to leave their partners, victims of abuse are similarly bound to their abusers. Add love-bombing, gaslighting and the mind/body injuries of coercive control and the result is a quick-sand of elements which effectively mire the abused with their abusers.
The intersection of intimate partner violence and prostitution is of particular interest to me given that it is the unexpected world in which I’ve lived the last decade and a half of my life: a source of both terror and salvation for me. I am passionately dedicated to educating the world about this ‘victimless crime’ and its effect upon women.
I hope to share excerpts from my book as well as ongoing, new material in my blog below.
Trauma-Bonding
Inertia
Inertia
Healthline defines a ‘trauma-bond’ as a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation and positive reinforcement.
Intermittent reinforcement is an integral component of the trauma bond, otherwise referred to as the cycle of abuse. The abuser will manipulate, abuse and exercise coercive control, then apologize and begin to love-bomb/ express kin
Healthline defines a ‘trauma-bond’ as a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation and positive reinforcement.
Intermittent reinforcement is an integral component of the trauma bond, otherwise referred to as the cycle of abuse. The abuser will manipulate, abuse and exercise coercive control, then apologize and begin to love-bomb/ express kindness and concern again.
Faced with the instinctual fight, flight or freeze response to danger, victims of trauma bonding often fall prey to the freeze response because of their intimate connection to the abuser. Happy hormones like dopamine and oxytocin released by the abuser’s love-bombing and memories of happier times often undermine what others might see as more appropriate responses to abuse: like fight or flight.
Cutting off all contact with the abuser and seeking professional help are important steps to breaking the trauma bond.
Inertia
Inertia
Inertia
Humiliation and the inertia effect is a phrase I learned only recently.
One scholarly article regarding the humiliation of Palestinians and their subsequent decrease in rebellious acts seems to suggest that humiliation creates inertia; an important theme to consider when thinking about abuse and why women stay.
What does the phrase 'hum
Humiliation and the inertia effect is a phrase I learned only recently.
One scholarly article regarding the humiliation of Palestinians and their subsequent decrease in rebellious acts seems to suggest that humiliation creates inertia; an important theme to consider when thinking about abuse and why women stay.
What does the phrase 'humiliation and the inertia effect' mean to you?
Knowledge is power and so is naming!
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